Posted by | Posted on 02-09-2010
Category : signs of the times, text jokes
Tags: marriage jokes
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE’.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
‘Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe…Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and do my hair?
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, ‘The f*ckin’ funeral director would be my first guess.’
Posted by | Posted on 01-09-2010
Category : text jokes
Tags: bill connollly, text jokes
‘If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?’
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!
They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk 5h1t and can’t drive!
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn, you sick bastard"
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brother’s got a moustache!"
And then there was my mate who’d just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It’s the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked
"ten past twelve", he replied!
Posted by | Posted on 30-08-2010
Category : signs of the times
Tags: ramadan, text jokes
Two Guys were lost in the Sahara desert .
One is David, the other is Michael .
They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirate with a mosque in the middle .
David said to Michael : "Look,let’s pretend we are Muslims, otherwise we’ll not get any food or drink. I am going to call myself "Mohammed."
Michael refused to change his name , he said :" My name is Michael , and I will not pretend to be other than but what I am . …Michael."
The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names
David said : "My name is Mohammed ."
Michael said : "My name is Michael. "
The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said :
" Please bring some food and water for Michael only ."
Then he turned to the other and asked : Salaams Mohammed , Hows the fasting going?
